Sanctuary for the Abused
Sunday, May 20, 2012
How a Psychopath Conditions His Victims
by Claudia Moscovici
In previous posts I have shown how psychopaths camouflage their real evil identities and bad intentions, to appear normal and even better than normal partners to their victims. What may seem surprising to those who have not experienced personally the psychopathic bond is why their victims put up with it once the bait and switch occurs and Mr. Jekyll turns into Mr. Hyde. There’s no simple answer to this question, since the motivations and personalities of the victims themselves vary. Some stay out of fear, others out of extreme emotional dependency and love addiction, others because they, themselves, suffer from a personality disorder that bonds them to a psychopath. Today I’d like to delve into the question of why even relatively normal and healthy women can stay with psychopathic men after the initial luring phase is over and the relationship becomes overtly toxic.
Psychopaths are extremely skilled not just at pretending to be decent men, but also at dosing. As early as the luring phase of the relationship, when they appear to be loving and normal partners, they make deviant requests, under the guise of romantic love. For instance, they isolate their new partners from those who care about them–family and friends–by claiming that they’re so in love with them that they wish to spend as much time as possible together. If the psychopath’s partner wishes to go out with friends, he spreads gossip about those individuals, claiming that they were critical of her or of their relationship. Or the psychopath may state that he’s so much in love with his partner that he can’t bear to spend time apart from her.
Couched in these positive terms, many women allow their other, healthy, social relationships with family members and friends to slowly but surely deteriorate. The less support they have from others, the more such women invest themselves wholeheartedly in the psychopathic bond. Once he senses his power over her, the psychopath becomes more openly possessive and controlling. Psychopaths have an intuitive relationship barometer that tells them when they have achieved dominance over others and can demand more (and more and more…) from them.
Another way in which psychopaths condition their partners to accept a toxic relationship is by gradually pushing the envelope of deviant requests. Since psychopaths are easily bored and need constant thrills, they may initially ask their targets to make out in public, under the pretense that they’re so attracted to them that they can’t keep his hands off of them. In reality, however, psychopaths are not as attracted to their partners, even at the beginning of the relationship, as to the thrill of crossing the boundaries of public decency and demeaning their partners. Recall from my previous post that psychopaths are extreme narcissists who derive most pleasure from the dominance and victimization of others.
As soon as the victim complies with one perverse request, it becomes normative. After a short while, the psychopath will demand more indecent behavior from her, once again pretending that it stems from their great and special passion. Pretty soon, the victim finds herself complicit with his abnormal behavior, sometimes even addicted to it. Not surprisingly, this technique is often used by pimps to create loyalty and submission in the women and girls they ensnare into prostitution. What begins under the guise of romantic love and passion–something that most women yearn for–ends up being what it always was in reality and in the psychopath’s evil design: a form of sexual slavery.
Even partners who refuse to engage in the psychopath’s transgressive behavior–be it his scams, lies or sexual perversion–are inevitably poisoned by the toxic relationship if they continue to stay with him. The most common way in which a psychopath poisons his partner is to condition her to accept his abusive behavior as normal. This doesn’t have to be under the form of physical violence, although it can be.
More commonly, however, any person who stays with a psychopath becomes gradually used to bigger and bigger doses of emotional abuse.
When she catches the psychopath cheating on her for the first time, she may have a normal reaction and break up with him. But if she doesn’t have the strength to move on and later returns to him–since after bouts of promiscuity, a psychopath is likely to act repentant and romantic to lure back his main partner(s)–then the next times she discovers evidence of his cheating (or lying, or fraud), she puts up with it, or pretends she doesn’t know about it.
Denial becomes the shield that absorbs most of the emotional impact of his hurtful behavior. When denial is no longer possible, because his wrongdoings become too frequent and flagrant, she displaces her anger and resentment towards the other women in order to maintain the “integrity” of her relationship with him. If he cheated and lied, it’s the other women’s fault rather than his. She also blames those who point out the psychopath’s pathology rather than him for mistreating her. They’re the bearers of bad news, who expose the hollowness of the life she leads with him: a truth she can no longer face, after becoming so dependent on him. At some point, she becomes more invested in the false image of strength and of a wonderful relationship she has with the psychopath than in facing the dire reality and moving on, to achieve real strength in life and have the chance of having a non-pathological romantic relationship.
Eventually, after a long series of discoveries of infidelities and other kinds of bad behavior, she becomes used to it and finds some solace in the assumption that those flings mean nothing to him. In spite of his consistently unloving behavior, she convinces herself that the psychopath loves her and that she’s the most important woman in his life. His infidelity then becomes open and normative: what he used to do behind her back he does openly, before her eyes. What’s more, since psychopaths are sadists, he relishes seeing her suffer from a combination of jealousy, wounded pride and helpless love.
Any person intimately involved with a psychopath will be harmed. To offer an analogy, the cancer cells that are most dangerous are the few that resist the chemotherapy and multiply quickly in the body, to kill it. Psychologically, the most dangerous aspects of any victim of psychopathic seduction are the ones that survive and adapt to his mistreatment. Once she becomes inured to the constant lies, verbal abuse, cheating, etc, she allows those vices to multiply in the relationship and take over her life.
Just as the most pathological elements of a society adapt to and rise to the top of totalitarian regimes, and just as the most pathological individuals thrive in the life of crime of gangs, so the most pathological parts of a person adapt to and embrace the disorder of a psychopath. A psychopath trains his victim gradually into a form of submission–or acceptance of his deviant behavior–that annihilates everything that’s healthy about her personality and existence. Eventually, if she doesn’t find the strength to leave him, she’s reduced by the psychopath’s gradual poison to the shadow of the strong and healthy person she once was.
Labels: adult children of narcissists, control mind control, manipulate, narcissism, not your fault, psychopath, psychopathy, seduction, trauma bonding
30 Comments:
Why isn't there more psychopathy awareness? Why? Why aren't we given this as an option when we take psychology in middle school and college? It should be taught at the most basic level. It should be taught in church. In churches they tend to focus on the love but God never told Moses to go snuggle Pharaoh. Nope. Didn't tell Pharaoh that "I'm okay, you're okay". Jesus didn't tell the Pharisees that they could just "act right" and that was good enough.
Psalm 55:21 "His speech is smooth as butter, yet war is in his heart; his words are more soothing than oil, yet they are drawn swords." How about this bible verse? Quite sums it up, doesn't it? See, it's all in there, written down, yet I rarely hear sermons on these imperative verses. Abigail didn't tell Nabal (who's name means "fool" by the way, and read proverbs on fools, which describes all psychopaths)that it was cool to dis David, one of God's annointed. Nope. She had to go out to divert the disaster that would have been brought upon their household. Sound familiar? Always the same when psychopaths are around, fixing one nightmare after another.
Another truth about psychopaths? At the end of their tales of woe, they are either the HERO or the VICTIM. And remember, that they REALLY believe this. Once they put a thought into their head, it becomes true to them. It's why they can pass lie detector tests. Because THERE IS NO TRUTH IN THEM! Psalm 5:9 "Not a word from their mouth can be trusted; their heart is filled with destruction. Their throat is an open grave; with their tongue they speak deceit." Can I get a witness up in here!
absolutely! Back in the days when I was caught up in my ex's psychotic behaviour and I was trying to sort it out in my own head how he even thought his behaviour was acceptable, I would try and point out to him what he was doing and you could just about guarentee that the next time we had an argument he would accuse me of doing the same thing. It was like he had stolen my words and was trying to make me responsible for his behaviour. It made no sence to me and I often doubted myself because he was so convinced that it was my problem. I often felt unhinged after having an argument with him and in the end would try and avoid one at all cost. Now he even has himself convinced that I am some sort of money grabber and he is a victum, even though I walked away with much less than what I was entitled to so as to avoid arguing in court. He even repeats lies back to me as they were fact and I'm sure he is fully convinced that they are. This verse came to me when I was in the midst of it and it was like being in the middle of a thick fog. I could not distinguish what was truth.
Isaiah 26:10 Though grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteousness. Even in the land of uprightness they go on doing evil.
Ecclesiastes 10 As dead flies give purfume a bad smell, so a little folly outweighs wisdom and honour.
I'm in complete agreement with the first comment. It has taken me 15 yrs to figure out that I am married to someone very sick. As a God loving woman, I've been taught to die to self.. turn the other cheek, forgive, believe that the same Jesus who saved me can save him, and that I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. Is it any wonder the church is full of women who are severely abused? Even after 15 years of hell, I believe he's capable of being saved. Mercy to the hilt, that's what I'm called to do, right? Pfff! He knows I'm a push over. I suppose that's how I got here in the first place.
I beat myself up daily wondering how I could let myself be so controlled by such an evil person. I have fogiven him, but have yet to forgive myself. How messed up is that?
This is a PERFECT description of my relationship with my Ex Narc. I feel like I'm going through rehab for a very unhealthy addiction right now. The one thing that stops me from contacting him is that I know he will do nothing but humiliate me (if he bothers to respond at all), as he has already discarded me for not complying to all his rules and calling him out on his double standards when it comes to being faithful. Basically I have no access to my drug which deep down I know is the best thing that can happen to me. But the pain is almost unbearable. Thanks so much for this blog. Its so hard to explain myself to others who have never experienced relationships with psychopaths.
One thing I wanted to request is for you to have a look at the layout of your page as one of the ads sometimes blocks the text you have written.
To comment right above mine @ 9am. I am going thru the same exact thing. He devoured me, wanted & loved me (bs) & then proceeded to devalue, abuse, destroy, choke, lie, manipulate & break my heart & soul to pieces. Now he has discarded me after creating an insane fight that I finished. I could not take the withdrawals I am feeling, been 4 days, and he disappeared. I text him 2x & emailed & nothing. I just feel so stupid, used & abused. The worst part is that I love him & trusted him. I keep thinking we could fix it if he got help. Turns out, do obviously apparent now, this man does not love me..probably abhors me instead because I brought too much truth & light into his disgusting darkness & wrath. I am worried, sick, broken, missing him & wondering how he could turn on me this way & humiliate me to this degree. I am obviously addicted to him & this fucking toxicity even while I feel hatred now toward him. He has hurt me so badly. I just want him to make it right. I gave no access to him either & he vanished. How does one get thru this!??????
No contact is the only way to survive these evil,awful animals. I wish u all the best of luck,if u made it this far,do not look back. These types of people will suck u dry till there is nothing left. And they won't feel any thing doing so.
I am currently trying to stay away from 'him'. it's so difficult though and the fact that its difficult is so embarrassing because of I know what he has done to me.
I am fully aware of all the evil and deception... I even fully believe that he injected me with HIV virus to get back at me for something I did not even do. There is no other way I could have come into contact with the virus and he is HIV negative...
How can it be difficult to stay away from him... how lonely must I be??
This is in response to the 10:00 am comment. Found a great article that talks about the abuse you've endured and the self-sacrificing we tend to do as Christian women and the reason we are put into this position. The title of the article is "Submission Tyranny, in Church and Society The Belief That Begets Domestic Violence" and I linked there from Waneta Dawn's website. The part of the article that reminds me of your comment is "Sunday, October 18, 2009
Authors: Fireproof intended for ALL Marriages, Not Just Abusive Ones." It makes some great points.
Would also like to say that one of your brethren is praying for you and that nothing you're going through is hidden from God. He can handle it all and loves you.
I met my sociopath ex six years ago. I was only 26, he was 38. He swept me off my feet like he was the night in shining armor there to rescue me. I had never felt so alive, beautiful, desired. It was a whirlwind romance full of passion and excitment. About a year into the relationship, I found him in jail facing rape charges on for a 21 year old girl. I was so in love with him that I couldn't leave him. The next five years I spent enduring physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Each day more isolated, each day weaker and weaker. Every now and then he gave me a glimpse of the man I initially fell in love with. I spent years of my life under his thumb hoping if I just did what he needed, that man I fell in love with would return. Well, that man did return.. But not to me. He once again is the artificial charming romantic he once was as he has met his next victim. A 22 year old girl. He is 43 now. After all the pain and trauma I endured for his "love" I was left cold with him having cut all ties as if I never existed. I pray she has more strength than I did. Sociopaths are preditors. Nothing less.
I never thought I would be faced with a man like this. I can remember my Dad telling me very early on the man I have been seeing for a year now is a psychopath. I am 43 years old and I thought he was just different and misunderstood! I thought I was the only one who could understand his strange and twisted mind. I convinced myself he needed me! I remember I said to my Dad that I would tell him if it ever got to the point that I wasn't in control. Oh how I wish I could go back and change things. What was I thinking? I can now officially say it is out of control and I am not the same person nor will I ever be.
If I could help one person and say walk away from anyone you suspect to be a narcissist or psychopath, RUN! I read the same advice and I ignored it.
These men do not love. They take and belittle and ruin and trash and discard. They only love themselves. They are evil.
In the beginning the relationship was wonderful! He was so romantic and he was a perfect gentleman, never pressuring me but allowing me all the time I needed before we had any intimacy. We actually waited four months. He was so attentive and like no other man I had ever met. It was unbelievable really. Then as soon as he knew i was in love with him (not before he told me was deeply in love with me and couldn't love without me!) he pulled away and that was it! He withheld all sex, kissing, holding, touching. Everything....just nothing. He was just a shell. It was as if his soul and life had been sucked from him. I continued for months to try and reach him. I begged and pleaded for something. If I tried to kiss him he would turn his head and say "no". I could not for the life of me figure out what had happened to my perfect relationship with the love of my life! We eventually broke up and after a while of no contact (my punishment) he finally started inching his way back in to my life. Of course the sex was wonderful again and the kisses were long and passionate. He would hold me and squeeze me tight like he had not seen me in a year. then guess what...as quickly as it started he withheld all affection again. All I can say is confusion does not even begin to describe the emotion I felt.
I am currently in a no contact period...but only because he got mad and hung up on me..so I am going to really try to move on this time! If he would just leave me alone I could go on about my life. As many of you know, one phone call and I would be putty in his hand. He knows this too well. I ask myself what is wrong with me? How can I allow a man to emotionally and verbally abuse me? I actually divorced my ex husband after 17 years of marriage for physical abuse. I always laugh and say at least I knew where I stood with him! This is SOOO much worse then ever being physically hit. I just hope I can survive this one!
Amen
I`ve been involved in relationship with psychopath during three years. 6 months ago I interrupted the relationship. It was constant suffering, constant emotional and verbal abuse and although I am a psychologist he had managed to catch me in his cage. He was using his system of logic to make me guilty in whatsoever he did. He had other girls involved in his pathological relationship. I`ve managed to escape, but still I feel addiction to him. I know it`s abnormal, I struggle. I think, main instrument for not being in an abusive relationship with psychopath is reducing defeating personality symptoms in victim and realizing the cue to psychopath personality.
I am a female and met a man online about a year ago.He was very cold hearted and emotionally abusive from the start.I never knew anything about psychopaths but I let him move on because he was trying to corner me.I started looking up abusive behaviors online and found out he had the symptoms of a psychopath.He was trying to lure me into Florida.He wouldn't answer no questions and he emailed me two dark photos of himself with sunglasses on so I couldn't see his eyes.When I asked him for a full body picture he refused and got emotionally abusive.I have been researching everything I can find on psychopathic behavior.I did speak with him on the phone and he seemed so sweet but he was very abusive in his emails and he was very intelligent but he could not connect to my way of thinking.He was very self centered.
To the 10 am comment.You say you are a Godly woman.You are right.Only God can help a man that sick.But would you live with the devil?Let God help that sick man and you move on and stay the Godly woman that you are before he destroys you.
I met my partner when I was 19yrs old and he was 28 during the last 10yrs I have always supported him even after me finding out he had infected me with the HIV virus. The last 3 yrs I have been enduring his verbal and physical abuse daily. I was raised in Christians values and teachings, so many times I forgive to who hurt me. However, I have asked God many times for guidence, but no one even notice my cry for help. Maybe the Lord does not love me anymore even though God is and will always be in my heart. I attempted to kill myself twice, but the thought of my brother's death in 2010 and the difficult time my parents experience stops me. I keep think of them right before I slit my wrist or jump of a bridge. My partner's constant insults and physical abuse has made me lose the will to live and often feel worthless. Because of your kind soothing words about God seing everything and still has love for us. I did not succeded in my third attemp to end life and suffering. Thank you, and God bless you.
How do you know he infected you with the HIV Virus, is this from the same comment above that he is HIV negative and you are positive? Just trying to wrap my head around it. I was with a psychopath momentarily but got out it still a little addicting but am getting better about it everyday. Was he doctor or something. The one I was seeing was a dentist and I was just afraid of the same thing. Thanks
I guess the reason I'm reading this is because I have a cousin who fits the mold, or description of a Psychopath. I'm not a victim and he had nothing to gain from my visit, but he was nice and funny and gave me a gift, while I stayed at his house. I don't know why he gave me so much attention.
(The same commenter about the cousin). Maybe he knew (it's a well known fact in my family) that I'm supposed to inherit some money and property. And supposedly Psychopaths are drawn to eccentric types, but I don't know if that's true.
As Judge Judy would say "Bingo! That sounds about right...!" I'm still stuck with my stranger.. the cute sweet one... WHERE IS HE??
Holy SH@T! This is my STEALTHY Narcissist PARTNER! HE HAS NO EMPATHY! NO BOUNDARIES!!- THERE IS ABOUT 3% TRUTH IN THIS FINE CRAFTED SMEAR CAMPAIGN... THIS IS WHAT I'M UP AGAINST THIS IS PROJECTION AND TRANSFERENCE ...(YES I'M CALLING YOU ON YOUR DARK SNEAKY LIES!)-- PEOPLE COME HERE TO BE GENUINE... TO SEEK SANITY FROM CRAZY MAKERS LIKE YOU! YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM IN OUT RELATIONSHIP... I TRIED TO GET "you" -US!- TO GO TO THERAPY. TOU REFUSED! AND YOU HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE! AND I ASKED YOU TO DO IT FOR ME... NOPE! REFUSED! SWEETS YOU MAY HAVE BEEN VICTIMIZED WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD... I WISH I COULD CHANGE THAT, GOD KNOWS I TRIED... I'M STILL TRYING! YOU LAUGH AT ME FOR CARING, AS IF THAT IS A FLAW PER-SE!REMEMBER WITH THAT SL--ZER GUY YOUR "YEAR 2010- 11 AFFAIR" SNICKERING HOW PATHETIC AND BRAINWASHED I AM... YOU FORGOT TO TELL THEM ABOUT THE 30 + OTHER SIDE TRICKS OR HOW YOU SKIP WORK AND GET HIGH...INTERNET SEX... GET YOU MANAGER TO LIE FOR YOU IN EXCHANGE FOR... IF YOUR SO INNOCENT WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY ON-LINE SEX HOOKUP PROFILES... YOU HAVE 3-4 AT ANY GIVEN TIME...I HAVE NONE... ODD?? YOU SLEPT WITH OR TRY TO SLEEP WITH MANY OF MY FRIENDS OR YOU MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE FRIENDS... ISOLATION IS ONE OF YOUR GAMES... THEN BELITTLE "CALL ME FAT..." I AM 5.9+ 170-180 LBS ! OK NOT EVERYONE IS AS PRETTY AS YOU! WHAT CAN I SAY... YOU SEND BIZARRE BESMIRCHING EMAILS TO MY PARENTS, THEY LIVE 3000 MILES AWAY... !THAT BACK-FIRED ON YOU! MY PARENTS SAW RIGHT THROUGH THAT CRAP. THEY KNOW THEIR SON... WHO ARE YOU TO THEM TO SAY THOSE THINGS! THEY WARNED ME ABOUT YOU... RIGHT AROUND THE TIME YOU ATTEMPTED TO CLEAN OUT OUR SAVINGS... YOU SMEARED ME AND TOLD PEOPLE YOU COULDN'T TRUST ME! OMG! TRANSFERENCE AT IT BEST! I SHOULD HAVE RAN RIGHT THEN! WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER THINGS YOU DO TO ISOLATE ME. YOU GET OFF ON MY SUFFERING! I COULD GO ON BUT I'M EMBARRASSED I LET MYSELF BE ISOLATED FROM MY FAMILY, FRIENDS... I WAS RAISED TO STICK WITH YOUR "MARRIAGE" THREW SICKNESS AND HEALTH... IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL... SAD YOU CANT FEEL THAT KIND OF INTIMACY...VERY SAD. I AM NO LONGER A SOURCE OF NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY. TO YOU. YOU NEED HELP! I AM STANDING FOR WHAT IS LEFT OF ME... AND OUR SAVING THAT YOU DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO TAKE. THANK GOD! JESUS BUDDHA ALA WHOM OR WHATEVER THAT YOU DIDN'T TAKE ALL OF OUR SAVINGS... HA HA! PRAISE JESUS!! AND ANGELS!! YOU ARE EVIL I AM FEELING STRONGER... THE HELL WITH YOU! 11 YEARS! YOU ARE HIV POSITIVE YES... FUNNY YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT GENENOME STRAND WHEN YOUR, OUR, DOCTOR TESTED IT... FORGOT THAT FACT. YEAH! GO ON THE MURRY POBITCH SHOW FIND OUT WHO YOUR BABIES DADDY IS... PLEASE STOP THE SMEAR LIES! PERHAPS IT WAS SOMEONE AT THE BATHHOUSE??
I would bring this post to a (your?) therapist... It seems like you have more to say, maybe a better setting like a therapists office would help? Otherwise, somethings not adding up...
I have been involved with a psychopath for 2 years. Only last week did I identify that he is indeed a psychopath. He was so charming witty and played to my every emotional need that I did not consider that he may be a deviant. As time went by and I witnessed his temper and how he used others I began to question his true character. Then I began to note the high drama that surrounds him and the stories that dont match up. I helped him secure a higher paying job in our organization and within 5 days he began distancing himself from me emotionally. I feel both used and naive.
"What he used to do behind her back he does openly, before her eyes. What’s more, since psychopaths are sadists, he relishes seeing her suffer from a combination of jealousy, wounded pride and helpless love." OMG, this is so spot-on. He did it right in front of my eyes...and then gaslighted me and told me I was "crazy." Sadistic isn't even the word for what these empty shells of human beings are.
Dear Claudia and every single person who helped me through the darkest patch..I would like to share my story but it is so full of incidents that I can only highlight,for a lack of a better word,some incidents. The day after I met him he started commenting on my breasts(which incidently are my best physical natural attribute) Immediately I started feeling insecure which is exactly what he wanted. After that,being in a long distance relationship with him that was filled with non-stop over the top communication,glib flattery and schoolboy innocence,a darker side appeared.He slowly started conditioning me with tales of his sordid past. I would gasp in surprise at gay experiences, threesomes,prostitutes,stripshows drug induced sex fuck buddies(pardon the language). He made it all sound so normal..his male friend who tried to give him a blow job..he made me feel so old fashioned..Our relationship eventually deteriorated to me having to give him oral sex every time,me doing all the foreplay which made me feel like a cheap slut,him calling me a nymphomaniac and he is just supplying my needs. He stopped kissing me touching me except during sex. He started calling me needy suspicious insecure. I found other womens sanitary towels,stockings,sjampoo. He said I was paranoid. He called me dumb,lazy,stupid. I tended to his every whim day and night when he visited. The smallest thing would spark a rage. He acted so loud in public with such a short fuse in the supermarket that I just stayed indoors with him to avoid the humiliation. There it was a bombardment of demands which started early morning and ended late at night. If I looked non-chirpy in ANY way he would ask "And the long face?" I am regarded attractive by others but I developed such low self-esteem that despite the fact that I have achieved certain things in life I have no self-confidence. Everything that he said in the moments he lied to me and I believed him,everything that made me feel so loved(my last girlfriend on earth,most beautiful..I am in love with you and want to walk with you till the end..blah blah blah..)it was non-stop but inbetween were these insults that nearly took my breath away and confused me,harmed me,made me weak. I discovered after a year of being with him that he took meds for Genital Herpes. I asked him why he didn't reveal this to me seeing to the fact that I asked him for an Aids certificate which he brought before we became intimate. He said his other girlfriends had no problem with it and he couldn't pass it on on seeing to the fact that he is on medication. I also established that he does not suffer from depression but is a diagnosed Bi-polar..which explains the bizarre experiences I had with him..sometimes feeling that he could just push me off a cliff..He forced me to climb mountains..even whilst I was crying with fear..he would get an erection if he saw me cry. He would forever by involved in criminal and illegal activities although he is a highly educated genius coming from a very respectable family. He would fake everything that is fakeable and I mostly wondered where his boundaries were. I soon enough found out..he had one night stands which he told me he has no clue why it upset me so because it was just a step up from masturbation..women he picked up in sportsbars and had unprotected sex with whilst knowing that he has Gential Herpes..posting me pics with love of him and I together an hour later. The lying the cheating the criminal tendencies. The list goes on and on. He is a very attractive outdoors man...he is a danger to every woman alive. I fell for him and he destroyed my dreams. He is bringing some of my stuff back today..my heart longs for the lies..I won't be here..It is a discipline to see in in a clinical light..that's the only way to escape the romantic lies and the heartache of the gaslighting campaign he is now running against me. That "lovers" drift apart and that's the way "love" goes
That just described my previous relationship to a T
I feel much better now about being single right now. It did hurt. It does hurt. I will find a good man one day when the time is right.
Omg. On my first physical meeting with my now husband but we are separated and I'm filing for divorce and his fighting for contact with our two year old, he said to me have you ever considered having a boob job. I was heavily heavily depressed when I met him (the perfect victim) but I just laughed it of as my DDs had never been an issue to me. Later it became such a big issue to me and I'm scared for life regaring my bust. Due to childbirth and stress I have lost so much weight that my boobs are near on existent and just saggy bits of skin. He told me how he had behaved towards his ex how he cheated on her. Would text other women whilst she was laying next to him in bed. How he had two phones for Communication with all the other women. How he had abused drink and drugs. How he assaulted her and came and went as he pleased and wooing her back just for sex only to leave shortly after. How he got arrested for possessing knives in the street. Criminal damage. Common assault. Selling drugs and leaving his ex to pay back the money he had bullied her into borrowing. Paying for his mates to get a blow job at the local brothel and how he didn't have one because he was embarrassed but two years later admitted to me that he also had paid and received one and went into great details about the place, telling me how it all works. A pass codes on the door etc. How he chose who he wanted to perform this act on him and even told me she was Russian. He could see the hurt in my face but continued almost getting a kick out of it. How when we first met he was a women's dream come true. My knight in shining armour. My soulmate. My life. My everything. God did he condition me. He lived off me financially and got me into debt and him telling me it was my problem not his. He has never paid a penny of it back. I'm now blacklisted for the first time in my life. Basically everything he told me he had done to his ex in the past that he assured he would never do to me because we were real and his relationship to her was fake and meant nothing he was now doing to me. I do find it strange now also as to why did he keep asking me how much did I trust him that might I add never reached 100% because I had been hurt before. He wanted me to have his child two months into our relationship. We spent 24 hours a day together. He didnf work. I loved the attention he gave me. I was addicted to him. Couldn't believe my luck. I had finally met my match. How wrong was I. He was so good at mimicking me that we were so alike. What an ar*ehole. I'm such an honest loving caring giving person and he used and abused me only to satisfy his own needs and left me totally destroyed. He sucked the life out of me. I really find it hard to understand how another human being can be so cruel. I'm left picking up the pieces of my life and trying for stay strong for my children. It's so hard. I'm only weeks into the separation where there is zero contact although he only lives round the corner. I can't even start to explain how I'm feeling and the effect this has had on me. I feel so alone.
I am on day 50. I am humilated and broken. I am terrified of my psychopath. He treated me so badly. Yet he said he loved me. We lived together and he kicked me out on a regular basis with no notice at all. I would beg him not to do this. Then he would let me come home and act like nothing happened. He belittled me to others. I thought I was going insane. The infidelity was so profound. Yet I believed him when he told me he had been with no one else sexually. We had sex 3-4 times a day. He said I was the best he ever had. Why would I believe that he was sexually involved with anyone else. He took other woman to dinner some of them were so unattractive. But swore nothing else was going on. He blamed anything and everything on me. He tried to make others think I was crazy. He would never answer text or the phone while I worked. Then when I would call and text he would accuse me of being over the edge with trying to contact him even though we were living together. He constantly said I love u but I am not in love with u. He asked me to marry him and gave me a beautiful ring. Broke the engagement constantly just to kiss my ring and take it all back. Then he would say I was the love of his life. He tried to drug me and make me appear suicidal by having his daughter take me to my office impaired. I have very little memory of that night. I keep seeing his son on top of me. His son is a psychopath and just ad evil. He ( son) spent 11 years in prison. I dont know what all was done to me that night but it was profound. This happened after I moved out. He and his daughter came over however whatever they gave me I do not remember any of it clearly. I think his son was there to. They took me to work filthy ( I am a doctor). My hair uncombed. Not coherent. They dropped me off and did not even come in to tell anyone they brought me. By the grace of god I was able to tell them who brought me. Just his daughter brought me. She said she came over because I called her. She said when she got there she thought I was dead. That I had flies coming out of my mouth. Yet she never called 911. They put up stickers of butterflies on my patio door which I found the next day. By the way there was never s phone call made to her by me at all.
Come to find out my fiAnce had been text messaging his ex the whole time we lived together. He told her that he lived alone. Told her he wanted to marry her in June told me in july was to he our wedding date. She finally dtRted to text him back after he had been texting her for over a yeAr. She agreed to be his friend. He stepped it up with her and completely denied my existence. He needed me gone right away without a trace. It was the only wY he could have pulled the lies off with her. He wanted revenge with her. First of all she took his credit card and charged 1000o dollars when they broke up. She left him. She got restraint order as he was stAlking her big time.
She and I met by the grace of god. She pulled me out and has been my rock. Neither of us will ever talk or have any contact with him again. But I am still so broken. She has been away from him for 21/2 years. She never had any intention of going back. Just thought maybe she could be his friend. We clearly saved each others life. I don't have any desire to date sY all. There is so much more to the story.
MY HUSBAND STEP MUM HATE HIM SO MUCH
My man died 6 weeks ago after 12 month illness where he required increasing amounts of oxygen. I was told 6 months previously that he was about to die and we moved heaven and earth to get him home from hospital. My wonderful strong man carried on for 6 months despite what everyone said. I stopped work and we spent nights and days together mostly with me watching him almost suffocate to death every day. one day in September when there was no one else around I lay down beside him and fell asleep, when I woke up he had gone. I never believe that my husband death was natural..cos i know those that did not want his progress, every night and day i always cry i fill like killing my self because things where hard on my side, my husband family throw us out of the house me and my children where on the street begging for food and water..cos no money any more. one of my friend that i have not see for a very long time saw my on a street and she called my name, when i turn i was an old friend of mine, i explain every thing that happen she gave us accommodation and told me my husband death was not natural she told me i should not worry she is going to help me, will contact Dr Opingo who salve family problems i explain every thing about my husband to him and he said he will help me know about the death of my husband i was very happy that very day...cos i no something was behind my husband death and i see who is going to help me out, Dr ask me to send my husband picture, surname, and his name i did every thing immediately. After Dr Opingo have use the information i send him, two weeks later my husband step mum confess that she was the one that kill my husband through sickness...i am so happy i am free because the family believe that i kill my husband to take over the properties. thank you once again HELEN my best friend for introducing me to Dr Opingo you can contact his email if you still need his help alterofcandletemple@gmail.com
I broke up with my bf, changed my mind, but it was too late. Our relationship went from completely loving to no contact. Because of my temper. I blew up over an incident & broke up with him. I can only compare my grief to losing a loved one. Incredibly, it took me only 2 weeks to be able to start functioning normally. I emailed him several times(everything else was blocked) but I never went to his home, called his home,his work, fam, etc. A month later I dated a new guy, who sort of just fizzled out & I relapsed on missing & thinking about my ex. Guess that guy I dated was just a band-aid solution. & sadly, I have yet to heal. BUT, last week he emailed back for the first time. We had a few heated email exchanges, & in the last one, out if the blue he said, "By the way, there isn't one single day that goes by that I don't think about you." I replied, "Me too", & went from hardly thinking about him anymore to crying everyday. Ugh! I hate it. & I do know what I must do but it's taking all of my effort to do tge right thing & forget this happened! What now? I can't stop thinking if I should have acted on him saying that. Or if I should wait until he does with another future email sometime...someday. I know I'm contradicting myself because I said I knew what to do, but in reality, no, I don't know what to do. Stop thinking about him(try my best), or act on his words. Any advise is highly appreciated. (Also, his birthday is coming up in a week, & like Katy's story, it'll be 2 months since we broke up, & I was pondering if asking him out for a drink on me would be a good idea. Because of his bday.i was on net when i saw a testimony how love spell bring ex back and i email Dr Eromusela, dreromuselaspelltemple@gmail.com who really help me, he is just too power i will stop sharing his testimony because i never believe he will come back for me again thank you once again dreromuselaspelltemple@gmail.com for the love spell free free and contact him he is just too good to build your home
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